The Undoing

Just a few months ago I remember sitting at my desk with a Topo Chico filled with hope and planning out how my last year of my 20s would pan out. I'm glad I didn't know what the future would hold. I think of how naïve I was in so many ways in my illusion of control over my life and what illusions of security I felt in different elements in my life. Well, first came a major tornado (well 10 funnels that touched down in one night) then came an unplanned hospital stay with an amputation and a near death health situation, then finally a world wide pandemic that changed everything. That first year teacher sitting at her desk contemplating the big plans she had before she turned 30 had NO clue what was to come and I am so glad she didn't. 
I have always hated untying knots- I didn't properly learn how to tie my shoes until at least age 9- something about tying and untying felt complicated and anxiety inducing. Luckily, I got over that and can now tie my own shoes without much issue- but I still hate knots and complicated things that remind me of how limited I actually am. 

Life is full of knots these days. Knots that we cannot untie on our own. I feel like that little kid again feeling utterly helpless staring at the mess of knots that I got my shoe into- I mean c'mon! I just want to go outside and play with my friends dang it. The dang knots...
Knots these days look like pandemics, uncertainty, mental and physical health complications, strife, fear, exhaustion etc... To be honest I feel overwhelmed and utterly drained. I am sure you do as well. 
Recently I was able to attend Adoration for the first time in over 2 months and I cried out to the Lord about all these knots. I felt far from God, isolated from friends and hated how geographically distant I am from family and familiarity. I complained about how inconvenient everything currently is and how much suffering there is surrounding everyone. My heart was exploding with uncertainty, fear, hurt and insecurity and I told God that if he only fixed situations A, B and C everything would be fine and normal again and we could just move on. 
His answer was to Be Still and know that He is God (and I am not). I discovered that the real knot that needed undoing was my own heart. Failure to trust, failure to just let God be with me and meet me in my mess was the real source of fear. Harsh but true. 
There was a moment in the hospital where I particularly felt this. I was processing and felt completely overwhelmed by how serious my health situation had gotten and how my life could have ended so suddenly. As I was in the depths of this existential crisis a good friend and sister texted me that she was coming to visit. When she walked in she presented me with Jesus in the Eucharist and I wept. Tears kept streaming down my face and I sat with this Sister and Jesus came to me as I was tied up with IV and wound vac. Jesus came to me in my mess of knots and gently undid my heart. Step by step. 
Here's the truth dear friends, we are all a mess of knots. We are fools if we think otherwise. We are not guaranteed tomorrow or the fulfillment of any "plans" we may have. So many times I have put off prayer, speaking that word to a friend or acquaintance, and living life whole heartedly. I have gone the easy route so many times because I didn't want to stand out- or I thought that God's promptings could wait till tomorrow. This fear and laziness in my own heart caused so many knots that now in this forced cloistering the Lord is undoing painfully but graciously. Sometimes whole knots need to be cut off so that we can live and breathe again. 
Where are the knots in your heart? For me it is a lack of receptivity and a presence of fear and anxiety and distrust in God's heart. It is not the pandemic, isolation or feelings of rejection. Sure, those external things are hard too but it starts in my own heart. 
One of my favorite images is Our Lady Undoer of Knots- the way she loving looks at the knots in out lives and gently unties them is something I have been feeling lately. Go to Mary and have her help you trust God again and let him undo all that is knotted up. All is not lost. You have today- live well for you might not have tomorrow.