Thank you for clicking on this lowly blog! For a while now Jesus has been tugging on my heart to write about what He has been doing in my heart. I procrastinated. I fled the promptings. I said no often. I told him I did not have anything worth saying and that even if I did, I did not have the time. Well, let's just say this "cloister time" of a quarantine has convicted me of how full of BS I have been and how in my false humility I failed to give glory to God and make him known. So here we are dear reader, welcome to Zed to Zion. I will explain the title in a future post but for now I will just say that over the past few months the Lord has convicted me of my nothingness (zed) and how he calls me to the eternal Zion.
"Behold I make all things new"- this verse has been a powerhouse in my life and in my heart for a long time. When I first saw the movie the Passion of the Christ, and Jesus says this to his mother- I wept. hard. Jesus makes things new. We need to be made new. I, Mary Molloy, NEED to be made new.
Yea, yea, yea...classic youth minister/theology teacher jargon. I have prayed Lord make me new- but never truly meant it. Until this Lent. I started this Lent going to daily Mass (something I used to do but dropped) and saying the Rosary daily (again something I used to do as a fervent Franciscan student but dropped when it became hard). The Lord was a moving in my heart through this "Lenten sacrifice" and I was overjoyed. Sure, he was making me aware of some wounds of distrust in my heart and it hurt but I was running to Him wasn't I? Look at me- such a good little Catholic. Going to Jesus every day, teaching theology etc...
God decided though that truly I needed to be broken down some more (honestly I needed the façade to be torn down majorly). One bright Tuesday afternoon before Mass and after work I decided I would go to get an inflamed blister checked out- thinking it would be an in and out mission with plenty of time to get my prescription and head to Mass and the following young adult event.
I did not make it to Mass that day. I ended up being hospitalized and having the blistered toe amputated- I was days (maybe even hours) away from sepsis and fighting for my life. I had NO IDEA. My life was interrupted and fear and anxiety and distrust clouded my heart. I no longer could run to the Sacraments- I could no longer be self reliant.
The Lord is making me new. The first stage to this making new process is taking away the self reliance and the façade of "I'm fine". I am not fine. I am not self sufficient. I am weak, I am tired and I can not do this on my own. That is ok. Why? Because Jesus meets me in that place and carries me. He died a gruesome death to prove to me that He is present, always. I cannot pay the price that sin laid on my head- so he did. I cannot become new or great without him.
I hate hospitals. I hate needles. I hate surgeries. I hate not being able to go to Mass. Jesus came to me in the hospital- when I could no longer run to Him- He came to me. He never had left me, but He reminded me that I am not the one who first chose Him- He chose me and he wants to make a new masterpiece of me. That required (for me) surgery, trust, lots of needles and being cloistered. He has broken my notions of how I should be being made new and shown me His Heart.
My hope for this blog is that together we can unpack what and how the Lord is making me and you new. These are not easy times. I have wept more then I care to admit. I have struggled trusting that God's heart is good, and I have lamented that sandal season is a no go for me anymore. I also have made closer friends with Saints, I have felt the heartbeat of the Father, and I have had a taste of the longing that God has for our hearts.
I hope that the Lord uses this humble little pencil of a person that I am to communicate His amazing Heart for us. Please stay tuned as I unpack (in grammatically awkward and raw ways probably) what God is doing through this little blog.
Ite ad Joseph. Totus Tuus Mariae.
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